“Today is the first day of the rest of your life.”

Quite a cliché quote I’m sure we’ve all heard before.  But for some reason, this quote has been brought to the forefront of my attention today.  I’m not sure when it happened, I think it has been culminating over time, but I think I’m ready to make a drastic change to my life.

Now when I say drastic, I’m almost positive that what I mean and what someone else interprets is going to be completely different.  The change I want to make is simply to become more routine, more regimented, more consistent - with everything.  That may not be drastic to some people.  However, in my life, I have never really stuck with any one thing.  I tend to be very lazy and inconsistent.  Because of this, I tend to have very high highs and very low lows.  Are the two directly correlated?  Who is to say?  But I’m tired of the inconsistency.

In order to attempt to add something constant in my life, number one, I have learned that I can’t include anyone else in it.  Whether it be a break-up or death, I have learned the hard way that I am the only thing that will be consistent in my entire life.  I will be here forever (or at least my forever).  That might sound kind of harsh or morbid, but one thing I have learned after the death of my Daddy in 2013 and the break-up with my supposed “soul-mate” and former fiancé in 2014, is that I am in this alone.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t have people to support me or people who want to be with me by my side, but it means that I need to learn to be okay with myself.  I need to learn to depend and rely on only myself for this consistency, because one day you could wake up and your best friend might not.  And you have to be okay regardless.  I have to be okay with myself regardless.

Number two, I have to find something that I enjoy, something that I love, something that lights me up inside.  If it doesn’t, if I view it as work or a chore to do this one thing every day, then there is no way I’m going to do it consistently.  So, something I enjoy and something I can do alone?  Masturbation comes to mind, but honestly, I wouldn’t want to do that every day.  (Nor do I need to – I have a very fulfilling sex life – very.)  What comes to mind again and again is writing.  I enjoy putting my thoughts down.  I always have.  It helps me to organize myself and work through decisions without input from others.  It helps me to determine how I really feel and want to portray myself.  Sharing it lights me up.

Here’s the problem I am concerned with, though.  The last time I wrote and shared my feelings, I was a teenager.  It was on deadjournal and livejournal and xanga.  It caused stupid drama with stupid people and it wasn’t worth it.  That isn’t something I want to do.  For this reason, my writings will be completely anonymous.  No names will be mentioned and if they are, they will be changed.  I anticipate writing about personal issues and opinions and my overall goal here is to add something consistent in my life while sharing experiences that sometimes I feel like I am the only person going through.  I’m sure there are others who feel the same way, so hopefully I will be able to give something back should anyone stumble upon and read this.  But in the end, this is for me.

So here we go, its April 1^st, 2015 and I feel like today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I feel like I have some control and I look forward to consistently blogging and maintaining this miniscule fraction of the internet.