Introduction

So, welcome to my blog, I suppose.  This isn't exactly a blog that I am writing for the benefit of anyone other than myself, so if you are bored, disgusted, offended, etc. by anything you happen to stumble upon here, by all means leave and never return.  Like I said, this is for me.

reJENeration...  Obviously this is a play on my name, but I also thought it was very fitting.  I seem to be at a place in my life where I need to change something drastic about myself.  I'm not exactly sure when it started, but all of a sudden I find myself in this never ending downward spiral.  I think it may have started when I quit my job of over 5 years in the restaurant business and essentially lost the daily contact I had with the people who kept me sane.  Sane?  Maybe distracted?  Grounded?  Confident?  Either way, I'm thinking that the lack of interaction between myself and a large diverse group of people has had negative effects on my self-esteem and well-being (which actually blows my mind, because I am rather antisocial...).  While returning to the restaurant industry is not an option I wish to explore (sorry RL, but I'm so over it), I am attempting to satiate my needs for personal growth and expression elsewhere.  Not only am I starting this blog, but I have also rejoined Weight Watchers (yes, I'm a big girl).  I've become rather unhappy in this rotund, foreign body and it affects me in all aspects of my life.

This blog may turn into a psychological evaluation of myself, but in the end, I'm counting on it helping me become the person I want to be instead of the damaged person that I am.  That is what I am hoping for, anyway.  From the outside, (aside from the pudge and poundage) I bet I look like someone who has her shit somewhat together. I'm a college graduate who is still working towards another degree, I have a full-time job with benefits, I come from a great family, and I'm engaged to be married to the funniest, most handsome and kind-hearted man I've ever met...

...but looks can be deceiving.  I am unhappy.  Worst of all, I feel so guilty for being unhappy. I personally know so many people whose shit is much worse off than mine.  I put on my brave, strong face for them because they need me to be a friend who understands, or a friend who can help guide them through their heartache (cuz God knows I've been there), or a friend who they can look up to.  But inside, I'm just as broken, if not more so, than they are.  While part of me is that confident, wise woman my friends see, there is a whole other side of me that I rarely let anyone get to know... even myself.

I'm hoping unleashing this other side of Jen will help me to get to know myself better and in turn, I can then work on healing myself.  I've always been good at putting things down on paper.  Spoken words, I'm not so good with, but writing has always been my favored form of expression.  

And so the journey begins...