Kids?

Obviously procreation is necessary for the continuation of our species.  Having children is unavoidable in many situations, but now with modern aids such as birth control or condoms, we can live without passing our genes off to another.  But why would you want to?  Why would anyone NOT want to have children?  I’ll tell you why.

I grew up always believing I would have babies.  I loved babies.  I was almost 7 when my youngest brother was born and I absolutely loved taking care of him and playing with him.  When I became a teenager and my oldest cousin started having babies, I lived with her in the summer and during college to help her with her 3 babies.  I have a very special bond with them because of this and I am forever grateful.  But recently, I have made the decision that I would not want to bring another life into this world.  I have multiple reasons for feeling this way, so I’d like to make my argument that not having children is going to be the best decision for me and my life.

First of all, when I was about 12 years old, I got my period for the first time.  I also mentioned previously that I have a genetic metabolic disorder.  Well, annually, I used to go to a local hospital each year to meet with a specialist and discuss my life, my diet, and for them to ultimately monitor my progress and measure how “normal” I am.  The year I got my period, that visit changed my life.  They decided that now that I am a “woman” it would be a good time to tell me that having healthy babies would almost be an impossibility due to my condition.  The excess phenylalanine (phe) levels in my blood would compromise the fetus’s development in the womb and chances for normalcy were slim.  Crash.  Devastation.  My dreams of ever becoming a mother were just torn from my heart and it took me probably about 15 years to become okay with this.  Since then, there have been many leaps in medical treatment and control of my disorder, and there have been healthy babies born while mothers with PKU are on a new pill that helps to regulate these phe levels.  Catch is, insurance rarely covers it and you have to take, on average, 30-40 pills a day.  Plus there is no guarantee that baby will be healthy.  I am among the oldest people who have been tracked since birth with this disorder, so not much medical knowledge precedes us regarding many aspects.  Regardless, healthy children would mean taking a gamble.

For a long time, I knew I would still try to have at least one baby.  I knew the pregnancy would be the hardest thing I’ve ever done and no results were guaranteed, but I was convinced that my desire to be a mother would supersede any cravings for something high in protein.  But then, life happened.

I became a “stepmother” to a 7 year old in 2008 when I started dating my ex.  We were together for 6 and a half years and I watched this beautiful young man grow into a teenager.  He is now 14 and I love him as if he were my own.  During this time, I have learned what a pain the ass it is to be a parent.  Constantly worrying and trying to make sure you are teaching them to make the right choices and do the right things.  Overall, it is a very controlling job.  I don’t like to exert control over people.  I used to be very bossy.  I was the oldest growing up in my house of 3 kids and I look back on when I was younger and realize just how bossy and domineering I was.  I probably got this from my mom, because that’s how she ran our household, but when it was brought to my attention, I didn’t like what I saw.  I don’t want to be the mom who says “because I said so!”  So after a few years of keeping myself in check, I have become a very easy-going person.  Easy-going isn’t going to cut it if you want your kid to turn out NOT a little asshole.  While this isn’t technically a reason I think one shouldn’t have kids, it certainly helped me to make my final decision.

The main reason I don’t feel bad about not wanting to have kids is the state of the world I would be bringing them into.  Yes, we have it easy.  We have technologies and luxuries our ancestors I’m sure couldn’t even dream about.  We are in a digital age where we can be located at the touch of a button and there is even talk of micro-chipping us, making all of our personal information attainable at the pass of a wand.  Sounds great?  Really?  Does it?  Control.  We are being controlled.  We live in this country with the illusion of freedom, not actual freedom.  Our government and leaders have distracted us with technology and entertainment so that we don’t see what is actually happening behind the scenes.  Voting booths are digital.  How difficult do you really think it would be to control the elections?  Do you really think you have a say?  You probably didn’t even know that taxing our income is not required by law.  But not only have we given up our own freedom, we have also enslaved and killed trillions upon trillions of animals and destroyed our precious Earth for the benefit of having the luxury of eating any type of meat or cheese we want at the expense of our own health.

Who is to say we even deserve to procreate?  Not only are we destroying our planet, but we are destroying ourselves.  It makes me sad now, all the innocent children brought into this world on a daily basis.  They will be taught what their parents know, which is mostly nothing.  They will continue to love television and video games and continue to be distracted by professional sports and entertainers.  They will perpetuate the enslavement of innocent animals who deserve to live just as freely in this world, if not more so, than we do.  So having children saddens me now.  If I did have children, I know they would be raised right and I would instill my beliefs in them, and they would feel my overwhelming love and joy for them and the beauty in this world, and they would become the most beautiful of souls.  But when they learn the truth, they will be just as depressed about the world as I am.  They will cry when faced with the ugly truth of the meat and dairy industry and they will become enraged when they learn that the police force actually has no interest in protecting them, just enforcing laws; laws created by people that government officials elect into office with probably no regard to the population’s actual vote and only have one idea in mind: Control.  Why would I want to do that to an innocent life?

So no babies for me.  Too bad, because I would probably be a great mother and raise brilliant children.  But not only am I not physically equipped to bring healthy babies into this world, but I love my unborn offspring just too damn much to subject them to the horrible truth that so many people ignore.  The human race as a whole, as far as I’m concerned, is a plague to the Earth.  Things need to change, harmony needs to be achieved and I don’t see that happening in this lifetime.  Maybe in my next life, there will be a balance between humans the rest of the world and there won’t be a fight for power and control woven into our very nature.  There is hope to become a mother in my next life.

Love

My purpose.  I am here to love.  I am here to love and admire and enjoy.  I love love.  I love being in love, I love watching others in love, I am in love with love.  Perhaps because my sign is ruled by Venus, the planet of love, I am infatuated with loving as much as I possibly can during my short span here on Earth.  I want love all around me all the time.

Sounds great – but the problem is that this world is so full of hate and anger and negativity.  I am surrounded by it.  I do my best not to indulge in it.  I try to encourage and display love and light in all I say and do, but sometimes it gets the best of me.  It is easy for my mind to go into dark places, but for some reason, I only think negative things about myself.  I can forgive the most unforgivable in others and chalk it up to their own life lessons and experience.  But when I make a mistake or someone tells me something is wrong with me, I dive into a self-hating spiral and it is difficult to pick myself back up.

Here is what I think the problem is.  I hate to disappoint people.  I was raised to do whatever my parents said and if I didn’t, I was punished.  And I was punished quite a lot, mostly for speaking my mind and arguing that my mom’s rules made no sense and weren’t fair.  But I digress; what I’ve learned from that is: punish your child enough and they will learn to punish themselves.  How do we change habits that have long been ingrained in our very nature?  How do I accept the fact that I am human and I will make mistakes just as everyone else?  And how do I convince myself that I am worthy of my own forgiveness?  This is what I struggle with when negativity presents itself.  How do I love myself even when I fuck up?

I am so afraid to fail that I rarely take chances on things unless I am completely sure I won’t fuck it up.  Example: my boyfriend and I are playing music together – well, he plays, I sing – and I was so terrified to have my singing actually heard because I was afraid it wouldn’t be perfect.  Which it wasn’t – but did it kill me to actually try?  You would’ve thought it was life or death if you had seen my initial reaction to the “intimidating” microphone standing in front of me.  Why did I have such a ridiculous reaction to the thought of failure?  Why am I so sensitive to constructive criticism or advice?  Because I was raised in an environment that constantly made me feel like I was doing something everything wrong.  And I hate that feeling.  I avoid it at all costs.  And when I do feel like I’ve fucked something up, it is difficult for me to move on.

I’m sure I’m not the only person who feels like this.  In fact, I’m pretty sure my closest friends have the same problem because I know how they were raised, and I have a feeling that is what has attracted us to each other on a LOA level.

But I’m fucking over it.  I’m so tired of living so carefully.  Can you even call it living?  I’ve been so safe up to this point, it hardly feels like it.  When I’m not beating myself up mentally for fucking something up, I actually enjoy myself.  I like the way I think and I like the way I talk.  I appreciate the fact that I can see the light in most situations where others are in despair (they may not like it, but I do) and I enjoy my sense of humor.  I am a pretty cool chick and I will make mistakes.  Ironically, I read this quote on Facebook today:

“The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried.” – Stephen McCranie

What a noob I am at life.  I’m 30 years old and I’m finally ready to try.  Sorry for all the fuck ups bound to happen, but they are making me a better me and I love that!  And I am grateful for my upbringing, because honestly it humbled me.  I am not perfect, that’s true.  But it has made me a more loving and accepting person when it comes to others.  And I love that about me.

“If you can’t love yourself, then how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?!  Can I get an Amen?!” - RuPaul

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life.”

Quite a cliché quote I’m sure we’ve all heard before.  But for some reason, this quote has been brought to the forefront of my attention today.  I’m not sure when it happened, I think it has been culminating over time, but I think I’m ready to make a drastic change to my life.

Now when I say drastic, I’m almost positive that what I mean and what someone else interprets is going to be completely different.  The change I want to make is simply to become more routine, more regimented, more consistent - with everything.  That may not be drastic to some people.  However, in my life, I have never really stuck with any one thing.  I tend to be very lazy and inconsistent.  Because of this, I tend to have very high highs and very low lows.  Are the two directly correlated?  Who is to say?  But I’m tired of the inconsistency.

In order to attempt to add something constant in my life, number one, I have learned that I can’t include anyone else in it.  Whether it be a break-up or death, I have learned the hard way that I am the only thing that will be consistent in my entire life.  I will be here forever (or at least my forever).  That might sound kind of harsh or morbid, but one thing I have learned after the death of my Daddy in 2013 and the break-up with my supposed “soul-mate” and former fiancé in 2014, is that I am in this alone.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t have people to support me or people who want to be with me by my side, but it means that I need to learn to be okay with myself.  I need to learn to depend and rely on only myself for this consistency, because one day you could wake up and your best friend might not.  And you have to be okay regardless.  I have to be okay with myself regardless.

Number two, I have to find something that I enjoy, something that I love, something that lights me up inside.  If it doesn’t, if I view it as work or a chore to do this one thing every day, then there is no way I’m going to do it consistently.  So, something I enjoy and something I can do alone?  Masturbation comes to mind, but honestly, I wouldn’t want to do that every day.  (Nor do I need to – I have a very fulfilling sex life – very.)  What comes to mind again and again is writing.  I enjoy putting my thoughts down.  I always have.  It helps me to organize myself and work through decisions without input from others.  It helps me to determine how I really feel and want to portray myself.  Sharing it lights me up.

Here’s the problem I am concerned with, though.  The last time I wrote and shared my feelings, I was a teenager.  It was on deadjournal and livejournal and xanga.  It caused stupid drama with stupid people and it wasn’t worth it.  That isn’t something I want to do.  For this reason, my writings will be completely anonymous.  No names will be mentioned and if they are, they will be changed.  I anticipate writing about personal issues and opinions and my overall goal here is to add something consistent in my life while sharing experiences that sometimes I feel like I am the only person going through.  I’m sure there are others who feel the same way, so hopefully I will be able to give something back should anyone stumble upon and read this.  But in the end, this is for me.

So here we go, its April 1^st, 2015 and I feel like today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I feel like I have some control and I look forward to consistently blogging and maintaining this miniscule fraction of the internet.